Marilyn "Mar" Manson
3/7/97 - 10/20/13
On Sunday October 20th we had to say goodbye to Mar. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, the most painful. As many of you knew Mar had been suffering from kidney disease since June. He crashed one morning and I rushed him into the vet, he had to stay two nights, I had never been without him for so long. I was a mess, my neighbor helped get Mar into her vet when Mar's regular vet did not give us much hope.
Since June Matt and I tried various medicines, various food and various supplements. We also went to the vet every 2 -3 weeks for blood work and check ups. Mar had some good days and some not so good days but through it all Mar was a brave little fighter.
In early October Mar started urinating on the bed, something he never had done before. We were concerned. He was treated for a UTI and we stocked up on blankets, baby crib liners, towels and visited the laundromat to wash our comforter a lot. I did not mind Mar having accidents, yes I was tired, lacking sleep and groggy but there was no way my kitty was not going to sleep in bed with me if that is where he wanted to be, right between his mommy and daddy. We got into a routine, put out a baby crib liner (the best thing in the world - we tried a lot of leak proof things), put Mar on top, climbed into bed, checked on the pee situation a few times at night, adjust accordingly...In the morning I would wipe him down with a baby wipe, brush him and use a kitty scented grooming cloth on him to clean him up. He enjoyed it.
He was having a hard time getting around, his back legs did not want to work. I would carry him to the litter box, bring his food to him and also bring him outdoors to get some natural energy and warming sun. Every morning I hugged him and said "thank you for another day"...
On Saturday October 19th Mar would not eat much, he was really tired and I was worried. We went to his vet, he got a vitamin shot, his temp was on the cold side so we went home, I busted out a bunch of water bottles and warmed them up, made him a warming sauna and got him comfy. Matt and I did some errands and came home.
Later that night I noticed Mar was having a hard time breathing. His eyes were also dilated. I was really worried, Matt and I took him to the vet ER. I did not like her, she was very cold. So we drove 30 minutes away to another emergency vet. Matt took the lid off his carrier and as he sat Mar in his carrier in my lap I just stroked him over and over and talked to him. The news was the same, his heart was giving out and his lungs were filled with liquid. We had to say goodbye. I am not ready to talk/type about this in detail, please forgive me. I just wanted to say how painful it was and how sad we have been.
My life was Mar: if you read my zines, visited this blog, met me in person you know Mar was my world. We have art work of Mar in the house, I have his face tattooed on my arm and 16 years of stories of my best friend. Mar saved me from my dark days, he was always there demanding attention, meowing for food wanting to be brushed - his way of saying 'think of other things mom'...Mar never once judged me when things 'did not feel right', like the door needing to be closed a certain way or I had to check on something...He just wanted to love us, get love and eat!
My paranoid thoughts revolved around Mar's safety. I did not like to be away from Mar long. I would pray to anyone out there listening to make Mar better. I lit candles for him, going to scary parts of town to buy the right ones. I would use energy and stone therapy on him, praying for a long healthy happy life (my mantra for him). My mom and Matt would say "give Mar a break, he does not need you hovering around him". Sixteen years is a long life for a kitty, but I wanted more, don't we all?
My days feel alone. I go outside to feed the feral cats that were his friends. I cry a lot. I have been psychically and mentally drained.We got his ashes and paw print back last week. I hide them under a blanket on the couch. I have pulled the box out a few times and hold them delicately and cry. I want him near me but it just hurts. I hid his brush because I cannot look at it right now, I pulled it out, trying to smell his scent the other day and put it back. We celebrated his life last weekend during Dia De Los Muertos. I have been trying to be strong and we have been trying to learn a new routine...It is not easy...
I miss Mar. Mar was more than a cat, more than a companion he was a huge part of my life, my friend-soul-mate. I love you Mar. I always will. I will have more to come, I wanted to try and get something up and this is all I can do for now.